Not a school year goes by where I don't get asked by a student or two to share my perspective on dating relationships. This year is no different, and in light of the fact that we have more visible dating relationships than in the past I thought I would post on the topic.

The Bible gives us no explicit information regarding dating relationships. This makes perfect historical sense since there was NO dating in the biblical era; thus, it was not an issue that needed to be addressed. In fact, the type of casual dating relationships that are all too common among youth today have really only existed for about 75 years. Even in my grandfather's adolescent years it was not common to "go steady" with a girl before college age (18-20).

Although the Bible does not speak explicitly concerning dating relationships, there are plenty of implicit principles that can be applied to the subject. First and foremost, the principle of love. No one, and I mean NO ONE is really ready for a serious relationship until they understand what love really is. Love is NOT a feeling. If it were, that would be scary because feelings change constantly. Love is a choice. For example, I choose to love my wife. And this CHOICE has been expressed by my commitment to a marriage relationship with her. This choice is made knowing full well that my feelings can change on a whim. If she does something to really upset me, I am not going to have very nice feelings towards her for a while, right? But that should not in any way affect my love for her! Unfortunately, many young people get into dating relationships long before they really understand true love. They conclude, often based on a Disney type definition of love, that love is a feeling. Understandably then, when their girlfriend or boyfriend does something that changes their feelings towards them, they conclude that they have "fallen out of love." The relationship comes to an end and usually someone is left hurt and confused (this is where all kinds of sappy love songs come to mind).

Another biblical principle that is key to understanding dating relationships is commitment. The Bible is full of examples of the consequences of strong and weak commitments. In the Old Testament you can read about the life of Joseph and the extremely strong commitment he had to God. So strong in fact, that when the wife (I imagine she was quite a gorgeous woman) of his master, Potiphar, wanted to sleep with him, he refused and went running! You can also read about the weak commitment that the disciples had to Jesus. When Jesus got arrested and the disciples faced persecution, they went running. But unlike Joseph's running, the disciples ran away from commitment to God, not because of their commitment to God. Of course we know that the story ends in the restoration of the disciples and the recommitment that they pledged to the risen Jesus. This renewed commitment was so strong that they went to their early graves for the cause of Christ. What does this have to do with middle and high school dating relationships? EVERYTHING! Commitment must be present or you are playing around with each other's lives and that is about as immature and irresponsible as it gets. And quite frankly, until you are ready to put a ring on a finger and propose marriage (or accept the proposal), you are NOT ready for commitment. I mean let's get real, if you are under the age of 20, you likely have no job (or not one that rakes in much cash), no house (of your own), no vehicle (that you bought), no health insurance, no fridge with food (that belongs to you), and most likely you don't even own a stitch of clothes that was not purchased by mom or dad (or your grandma if you are thinking about that ugly shirt you'll never wear). In other words, you ain't ready! And that's okay. It is a much more mature decision to wait until you are really ready to date than to think you are ready just because you are able to work-up some tingly feelings for someone of the opposite gender. Try this one out boys: the next time you are trying to rouse the courage to ask some little girl to be your girlfriend, ask yourself who bought the BVDs you're wearing. If the answer is mommy or daddy (or house helper/guardian), you are NOT ready to provide for that girl, so, DO NOT MESS WITH HER!

Real love and real commitment. These are the two ingredients that are necessary to make a real relationship.

"Well, what can I do about my feelings in the meantime?" I get it. I really do. It is totally natural to be attracted to the opposite gender. You're not weird, strange, gross, etc. You're normal. But just because there is an attraction, does NOT mean that you should act on it. Think about it. If you can't learn to control yourself and keep yourself from advancing towards every attraction, how will you stay faithful to your future spouse? After all, your spouse won't be the last person you're attracted to. So, this season of life (middle and high school) is your proving ground, your training center. This is the season for you to learn how to manage your attractions. If you are SUPER attracted to a certain person, then simply get to know them as a friend - nothing more. Acknowledge the fact that you do not need to express any "feelings" to this person or make some sloppy attempt at a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Instead, recognize that the attraction is likely fleeting and much trouble can be saved by maturing-up a bit and keeping it at the level it belongs - friendship.

Here at Logos we (teachers/admin.) strive to foster an environment that is God glorifying and safe for everyone. These are TOP priorities. This issue is directly related to both of these priorities. A bunch of adolescents running around "breaking hearts" and playing around with people's lives is not God glorifying and does not contribute to an environment where all feel safe. I hope you can be a part of the solution by making a commitment to guard the hearts and lives of each other by WAITING until you are ready for real love and real commitment.

It might come as a surprise to you but bullying is not simply the act of big kids who take the little kids lunch money. In fact, bullying can be defined as any behavior that belittles or is aggressive towards another person. Bullying may be verbal, like derogatory comments, calling names, or telling lies about somebody, or physical, like kicking, hitting, shoving. Other forms of bullying include social exclusion, cyber bullying, racial slurs, stealing, and any other type of threatening behavior.

Although some people may consider bullying to be just “normal kid stuff,” it can severely damage the emotional health of the victim. In addition, the bully him/herself is often the victim of bullying from someone else – it is usually a vicious cycle.

While we do not seem to have a major problem at Logos with physical bullying, it has come to my attention (and has been on the radar of some teachers for quite some time now) that we do have an excess of what may be considered the more subtle forms of bullying. Things like social exclusion, gossiping, belittling comments, etc. Of course, you may ask, “What do you consider excessive?” The answer is: ANY BULLYING AT ALL IS TOO MUCH! We are a school that seeks to glorify God, and God has set the bar high. He has revealed to us that we are to love each other in the same way that He has loved us (John 15:12). I do understand that not all students at Logos are followers of Jesus. However, regardless of your Christian or non-Christian status, the standard set for us by Jesus is the standard that we want to strive for here at Logos. It is the culture that we want to breed and will go out of our way to protect.

Although there is a fine line between real bullying and some behaviors, like bantering, joking, and innocent wrestling around, we are responsible to make sure we do NOT cross the line. And what if we do cross the line? Well, we make amends and face the consequences. What we do not want to do is return the bullying (in whatever form it takes: calling names, put-downs, ignoring, exclusion from a groups, etc) and perpetuate the problem. Yes, we realize that doing the right thing is not easy, but you are Logos students. We not only hold you to a higher academic standard than many other schools but we hold you to a higher moral and interpersonal standard than other schools may expect. We do this because right relationships please the Lord (John 15:13; Heb. 10:24-25) and our number one goal, as Logos teachers and administrators, is to please the Lord. In pleasing the Lord through cultivating a school environment that is bully-free and safe, we all benefit.

So, how can you be a part of creating and maintaining a bully-free, safe school environment? First and foremost, you can make sure you are not currently involved in a situation that may be construed as bullying. For example, if you know that you and a friend have been purposely leaving out somebody from your conversations, lunch gatherings, or after school outings, it is time to STOP. Put yourself in their place, connect, even for just a moment, with the pain they must feel in being excluded. Use that empathy to motivate you to make amends. Secondly, make sure that you do not participate in any future bullying, and be willing to stand up for someone who may be bullied. Thirdly, get proactive. That just means don't wait for a bullying situation to happen before you step in and help. Instead, do things to ensure that people do not get bullied. If you are a junior who sees a seventh grader sitting in a corner alone, approach them and ask them how their day is going. You may discover that they are just fine and happily reading a good book, but you may also discover that you just stepped into a very dark moment and now have the opportunity to bring a bit of light and perspective to a hurting soul.

Bottom line: Let's work together to create a bully-free, safe school environment that ultimately brings glory and praise to God and in the process creates a place where you, me, and every soul that encounters Logos knows that they are loved, respected, and valued.

My door is open to you if you want to keep this conversation going in person. Otherwise, post a comment or two and let me know what you think. I am excited for the solutions that you brilliant students may come up with.           

Why Concerned Corner?

In today's increasingly, fast paced, technologically advanced, and  complex environment, it is becoming more and more difficult to find time and space to deal with those challenges that affect us all. Here at Logos's Concerned Corner, there is a concerned counselor on the other side of the computer who cares about you and the issues you face here at Logos, home, and in your other social environments.

On this blog, you can comment anonymously or identify yourself if that suits you (to leave an anonymous comment, simply choose that option under the identity options). You can address the issue posted or completely change the topic. You can add to the conversation between me and another contributor or you can discuss your own challenges. If you prefer, this medium can simply be used as the beginning of a conversation between me and you that converts into a more meaningful face to face dialogue. Either way, my hope is that this blog will offer some time and space for those who need to be heard, who need some encouragement, or maybe a bit of guidance.

Ground rules: This blog will be light heated at times (consider cartoon at top) but is intended to be a serious blog. Real life, serious issues will be addressed and all contributors are asked to respect each other and show a high level of maturity. Absolutely NO bullying will be tolerated! If a contributor violates the respect of another, I'll simply delete the comments/postings.

Note: With online mediums there is no 100% guarantee of anonymity or confidentiality. Although I will ensure the highest level of protection and confidentiality possible, this is a blog and any electronic source leaves trails. This simply means that if you need something to be absolutely !00% confidential and/or anonymous, do not post about it on this blog.